This ain't a cliche, oh no!
by icefire-lioness
Summary: Aah, the sweet smell of cliche in the morning! What can I say? I had an urge. Please don't make me swallow a plunger. That would be MOST unpleasant.


Dramione Fics:

"Oh my dear Lord! I can't believe Draco is Head Boy! After everything he has done! Argh, life is not fair! Woe is me!"

Hermione proceeds to tear her hair (which has miraculously gone shiny and straight) out. Draco is amused.

"Ha ha, Granger. I am going to make your life a living hell. Oh, wait. Wait, wait. Back up a bit, I have to do the angst thing."

**We go back in time.**

_Two days earlier:_

"Draco, you are a disgrace to the Malfoy name!"

Draco sits on the floor and cries. Lucius curses him a bit. Draco cries a bit more. Lucius leaves him, saying rude things about Draco's sexuality.

"Oh, I am so filled with angst that nothing will ever make me feel good again! Oh, woe is me! Ooh, a letter! For me?"

Draco takes the letter off the school owl that has so suddenly appeared by his side.

"Ooh, fantastic, I'm Head Boy! That isn't a surprise! Ha. I'm superior even to He-who-has-too-many-hyphens-in-his-name! Gods, I rock."

He promptly forgets about his angst as he decides what clothes will make him look very sexy. OH NO, WAIT. He doesn't need to wear ANYTHING.

_Presentient Timus (excuse my broken Latin):_

"You have to share a room with Mr Malfoy, Miss Granger." Says McGoogles.

"WHAT?" yell the two Heads.

"Don't fight or I'll make you eat bat poo." Says McGoogles sternly.

"FINE. WE WON'T FIGHT." Yell they who have too loud voices.

_Two minutes later:_

"I hate you, Ferret Head!"

"I hate you even more, you cock eyed misogynist!"

"What the hell?! You don't even know what that means, do you?"

Draco glares. "Alright. I might not know what it means, but…you're ugly!"

"Ah, get bent."

"I shall not! I'm perfectly straight!"

"Methinks the homo doth protest too much."

"What?"

"Never mind."

_Twenty minutes later:_

"Omigosh!"

"You've never said that in your entire life. WE ARE BRITISH. What are you going to say next? 'Mom'? 'Fall' as in the season, not the action, and the season is, BY THE WAY actually known as AUTUMN you great ranga. You are so gay."

"I AM NOT GAY, GRANGER! STOP SAYING THAT. And plus, my hair is blonde, not red. Shut uuurrrp! STOP LAUGHING AT ME."

"Whatever, Trevor."

"My name's…"

"No one cares."

"I hate you."

"The feeling is mutual, trust me."

"Go die in a hole."

_Thirty minutes later:_

"Wow, my room is silver and green!"

"Wow, my room is like, exactly the same, but in Gryffindor colours! That is so surprising!"

"There's only one bathroom. I bags it."

"You can't 'bags' the bathroom you great homo."

"I'M NOT A HOMO!"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"I hate you."

"Wow, you are so very original."

"Grrr."

"Ah, geez. Look at me. I'm shakin' in my little cowboy boots."

"Why _are_ you wearing cowboy boots?"

"The author is American. She seems to think that forcing her barbaric culture (which, let me remind you, consists of cheeseburgers, obesity and an alarmingly high heart attack rate) upon her readers by the medium of WRITING will make us…I dunno…become one of them, maybe."

"Yeah, right. Who'd wanna do that?"

"No one with half a brain cell, that's for sure."

"Still, at least it isn't a Canadian."

"Mm. That's true. They're even worse."

"Why is that, anyway?"

"Oh, I dunno. I think Americans just hate them because Canada gets more tourists."

"Oh. Wanna make out?"

"We don't say 'make out', numb nuts. We say 'snog'. Have you not listened to a word I've said?"

"Well, no. I was far too busy eyeing off your delicious lips, which I so long to pash. They are just so ripe and red, like strawberries lying in a field of…"

"Stop trying to be poetic, dipstick. I still hate you and I will never kiss you."

"Ok. If you insist."

"I do. I would never kiss you if we had to sit here, alone, the last people on earth, for two million years, and there was nothing else to do but shag you."

_Two minutes later:_

"I feel terrible about this, Draco! It seems so wrong, Draco! Oh, kiss me there, Draco! Yes, don't stop, Draco!"

(Hermione calling Draco 'Draco' is a BIG DEAL. This will be mentioned several times in the following twenty four chapters that no-one actually wants to read.)

"WOW, you called me by my first name! That is a BIG DEAL!"

"Yes, so it is. I must love you or something. Let's snog some more!"

"Alrighty then! Only because you insisted!"

"Ok!"

_Two Hours Later:_

"Wow, Draco. I think I really am in love with you. This is like…Romeo and Juliet or something."

"Who the fuck are they?"

"Never mind."

Silence for a few seconds…

"Can you make me a woman, Draco?"

"Uhm. If you insist."

"I do. I love you."

"I love you too, Beaver face."

"Oh, you are so kind and loving!"

"I know. It just comes to me."

_Four Hours Later:_

"I am so incredibly tired it isn't even funny."

"Why would it be funny in the first place?"

"I dunno. I never thought about it."

"Ok.

"Hey, I just had a crazy idea! Let's _do it_."

"_Again_!?"

"Yes, Granger. Again. Or is that concept too difficult for you to get your tiny little Gryffindor brain around?"

"Argh, you make me so angry, but you are so incredibly sexy that I just wanna do it with you again and again and again…"

"Why were you questioning me before then?"

"I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to say."

"You suck."

"Well, I could if you wanted me to…"

"That sounds dandy."

_Ten Days Later:_

"Hey, Hermione."

"Yes, Draco?"

"I've been thinking…"

"You have? Did you sprain anything?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Go on."

"I've been thinking…"

Hermione smirks. This is made a big deal of, because apparently Draco Malfoy is the only person in the Universe with the ability to smirk.

"You just smirked! Do you love me or something?"

"Yes, I do, Draco. I love you more than anything in the entire world."

"Me too!"

"You love me?"

"No, I meant I love _me_ too. But yeah, I kinda like you, I suppose. But not more than anything in the entire world. You're probably like, right behind cheese."

"Wow. I feel so privileged."

"So you should, darling. So you should. Cheese is a pretty big deal in my eyes."

"I was being sarcastic, you dickwank."

"Ooh, our first fight! We must truly be in love!"

"I feel bad about keeping my friends in the dark. Can we tell them about us?"

"But…our love is forbidden!"

"Yes, but I still feel bad. It's like, a curse that gets put on Gryffindor's. I can't help it."

"I refuse to be a pawn in your Housey games."

"I'll hold out on you."

"Fine, I'll do it."

"Smart move."

_Two Days Later:_

"Draco, D'you think we should break the news today?"

"Yup. At breakfast."

"Ok. Sounds like a plan."

"How is that a plan?"

"We have a time, a place, and an action. How is that _not _a plan?"

"Well, there is no _spy music_, for one thing."

"I can arrange that."

"Good, because otherwise I might have to go cry."

_At Breakfast:_

"I AM SO UPSET!"

"But Harry…"

"I AM SO UPSET EVEN MORE!"

"But Ron…"

"DON'T SPEAK TO US EVER AGAIN!"

"Ron…Harry…DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME!"

"FINE! WE'LL RUN!"

"I'LL BE SEEING YOU AROUND, COWARDS!"

"FINE! WE'LL SEE YOU AT DINNER! SAVE US SEATS! AND POTATOES!"

"FINE! I WILL!"

"Would you all stop shouting, please? I can't digest my food."

"Sorry Snape."

"_Professor_ Snape!"

"Professor Snape."

Hermione turns to Draco. Draco looks sexy and brooding before he speaks.

"Well, that went well."

"Yes. All things considered, I think that went smashingly."

"Let's go find a cupboard."

"Sounds like a plan."

"How is…"

"I have the spy music."

"Ok then. We're good to go."

_The Next Day:_

"Draco."

"Yes, Lover?"

"I'm pregnant."

"What now?"

"I'm pregnant Draco. With child. _Your_ child, more importantly."

"Ah. Oh. Ok then. Bye now."

"WHAT?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU'RE MEANT TO RENOUNCE YOUR EVILS AND MARRY ME, YOU BASTARD!"

"Byeeeeee! Have a fun life!"

"We still share the same common room, Draco Malfoy."

"Oh. Right. Yes. Forgot about that. Damn. Ok, back up plan. What say we get a vacuum…?"

"HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING, YOU VILE, DESPICABLE CREATURE!? I'LL GET NO PLASTIC NEAR _MY_ WOMB, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

"Well, I could always get a potion…"

"Sounds like a plan."

"A family plan."

"Gods. You are hilarious."

"I know. It just comes to me. So, you have the spy music?"

"Right here."

"Good. Off we go then."

_An Hour Later:_

"I can't go through with this."

"Hermione. You have to. We are way too young."

"You're right. Our lives just wouldn't be the same would they?"

"No, they wouldn't. No more partying, no more boozing, no more late night strip poker with the boys…"

"I TOLD YOU you were gay."

"How does that make me gay?"

"You look at NAKED GUYS."

"SO?"

"Well, ok. I guess I don't really have a case. Oh well."

"No American will read this, will they?"

"Well, so far we've put…jokes about their country, abortion, teenage pregnancy, erm…homosexuality and…oh wait, I just need to add one more thing."

"Go ahead."

"God does not exist."

"Too true, too true."

"Alright._Now_, we won't have any Americans reading this."

"Thank God."

"How can you thank something that doesn't exist?"

"I was talking about me."

"Oh."

"So, you best get on with it."

"Alright. Here goes nothing."

She puts a higher warning on the fic.

"Right. Now the parties and strip poker can go right ahead! Were we meant to be doing something?"

"Yes. Aborting this child."

"Oh, right. Where's that darn potion?"

"Here it is."

"Thanks darling."

"S'ok."

"STOP!"

"Harry! What are you doing here?"

"I've realised that you should keep Draco's child!"

"What? Why?"

"Because I've decided that I'm ok with it."

"Well, I think you're a freak, Potter. I'm not keeping some dirty little kid who'll ruin my life forever with his constant cries of 'Mummy! Mummy! Give me your nipple mummy!' I get that enough from Draco."

"I see. Well, can I still marry you?"

"What?"

"No, no, I mean, marry you and Draco. Like, be your celebrant."

"Oh…we dunno if we're getting married…"

"Of course we are! How about tomorrow? Can Blaise be the best man?"

"Sure!"

"Yeah! Happy families! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Ron and confess my undying love for him."

"Fair enough! See you around, Harry Potter!"

"Bya!"

"I love you Draco."

"I love you Hermione. Lets have hot, crazy engagement sex, baby!"

"Ok! But let's use a condom this time."

"Ok. And remember kids: Practise safe sex, especially if you're doing it with the stranger who offered you that lollipop. Those guys have GERMS."

"Isn't life wonderful?"

"Yes, sweetie, because I have you. And a mirror."

"Gosh darn it; you are the sexiest thing alive."

"_I know_!"

A/N: So, did you like it? Hate it? Review or I will never know!


End file.
